The belief that you have value as a person only when you accomplish and that if you are incompetent in some important area, you might as well curl up and die, includes several irrationalities:

1.         Obviously, virtually nobody can be competent and masterful in all or even most respects and almost no one can perfectly achieve.  Even Leonardo da Vinci had many weaknesses, and the rest of us mortals, including your therapist, have them too!  Trying to be outstanding in one field of endeavor is difficult, because millions of individuals compete with you in the same area.  And your goal of having general success and perfection dooms you to serious disappointment, even if you only prefer it.  If you must achieve it, beware!

2.         Achievement does not, except by arbitrary definition, augment your intrinsic worth.  If you see yourself as a “better” or “greater” person because you succeed at something, you may temporarily feel “worthier.”  But your successes actually do not raise your intrinsic worth one bit; nor do your failures lower your human value.  You may achieve greater happiness or more efficiency by achieving this or that goal.  But feeling “better off” does not make you a “better person.”  You are “good,” “worthwhile,” or “deserving,” if you want to use those terms, simply because you exist, because you are alive.  To raise your “ego” by achievements actually is false pride: the Belief that you are worthless unless you have accomplished, and the accompanying Belief that because you have accomplished you have “real” value.

3.         Technically, you “are” not any particular thing.  Language and semantics are very powerful, particularly when you use any form of the verb “to be.”  You “are” not a butcher, baker, or candlestick maker.  You “are” only, if anything, a person who practices these occupations—but who also practices many other things.  When you identify and rate your self according to how you perform some particular activity, you create the illusion that you, a person, have only as much worth as that activity. How much sense does that make?

4.         Although accomplishments may bring you advantages, fanatic devotion to success is risky and uncomfortable.  Those hell-bent on achievement commonly push themselves beyond the limits of their physical endurance; invite extra painful conditions; and rarely give themselves sufficient time to relax and enjoy what they do, nor to lead better-rounded lives.  They may also kill themselves with overwork.  If they really enjoy working more than most people do, fine.

5.         The frantic struggle for achievement usually reflects a dire need to surpass others, to show that you are better than they are.  But, you remain you, and you will not be “yourself” (do what you largely like to do) if you must lead the pack.  How much have the others really got to do with you?  If they have inferior traits, does that make you one bit a better person?  And if they surpass you in this or that performance, does that make you no-good?  Only by definitions in your head are others better or worse than your you-ness.  If you think that your “worth” as a human depends on how well your traits compare to those of others, you will practically always feel insecure and “worthless”.  You will be other-directed and divorced from what you want to do during your one certain existence.  You will swear by self-downing statements, such as “I accept and enjoy myself only if I do as well as or better than others do.”  How will that make you secure?

6.         If you frantically strive for success, you will feel anxious about failing, will fear taking chances, will beat up on yourself for making mistakes, and will avoid adventurous projects you would really like to attempt.  By insisting on outstanding achievement, you will choose to make mistakes and feel depressed about them or refuse “dangerous” tasks and down yourself for copping out.  Your “obligation” to succeed dooms you not only to failure but to fear of failing—which often is more life-cramping than failure itself.

–Adapted from “A Guide To Rational Living” by Albert Ellis & Robert A. Harper

People seek therapy for many different reasons. Some people need help responding to unexpected changes in their lives such as a divorce or family crisis. Many seek the advice of a therapist as they pursue their own personal growth and self-exploration. When people are overwhelmed by anxiety, guilt, doubt, or despair, therapy can help. Working with a therapist can help provide insight, support, and new strategies for all types of life challenges. Therapy also provides problem-solving skills, support, and enhanced coping for a multitude of issues such as anxiety, depression, anger management, self-esteem issues, relationship troubles, unresolved childhood or ‘family of origin’ issues, and substance use problems. People seeking therapy are willing to take responsibility for their actions, work towards self-change and create greater awareness in their lives.

.

What can I expect in a therapy session?

During sessions you are encouraged to talk about your primary concerns and issues in your life. A session generally lasts 50 minutes, but some people do request longer sessions. It’s been my experience that weekly sessions are best, especially at first. When people are in crisis or extreme distress, more than one session per week may be scheduled, at least until the crisis passes. Therapy can be short-term, focusing on a specific issue, or longer-term, addressing more complex issues or ongoing personal growth. In the time between sessions it is beneficial for you to think about and process what was discussed. At times, you may be asked to complete assignments outside of therapy sessions, such as reading a relevant book or keeping a journal. For therapy to be most effective you must be an active participant, both in and outside of the therapy sessions.

.

How can therapy help me?

A number of benefits are gained from participating in therapy. Often it is helpful just to know that you’ve been heard, and that someone understands. Therapy can also provide a fresh perspective on a difficult problem or point you in the direction of a solution you hadn’t considered. Many people find therapy to be a tremendous asset to managing interpersonal relationships, family concerns, personal growth, and the hassles of everyday life. The benefits you obtain from therapy depend on how effectively you use the process and put into practice what you learn. Some other benefits you will derive from therapy include:

• Attaining a better understanding of yourself and your personal goals and values
• Developing skills for improving your relationships
• Finding resolution to the issues or concerns that led you to seek therapy
• Find new ways to cope with stress and anxiety
• Managing anger, depression, and other emotional pressures
• Improving communications skills – learn how to listen to others, and have others listen to you
• Getting “unstuck” from unhealthy patterns – breaking old behaviors and develop new ones
• Discovering new ways to solve problems
• Improving your self-esteem and boosting self-confidence

.

Do I really need therapy? I can usually handle my own problems.

From time to time, everyone deals with difficult circumstances in life. While you may have successfully navigated through difficulties you’ve faced in the past, there’s nothing wrong with seeking extra support when you need it. In fact, therapy is for people who have enough self-awareness to realize when they need a helping hand–admitting you need help is a strength. By seeking therapy, you are in fact taking responsibility by accepting where you are in life and making a commitment to change what you can. There are long-lasting benefits of therapy.  You begin to know yourself in a deeper way.  You learn how to avoid ‘triggers’, avoid unhealthy relationships, re-direct damaging patterns, and overcome future challenges.

.

Is medication a substitute for therapy?

In some cases a combination of medication and therapy is the right course of action. Working with your medical doctor you can determine what’s best for you. It is well established in the research that the long-term solution to mental and emotional problems and the pain they cause cannot be solved solely by medication. Rather than just focusing on and treating the symptom, therapy addresses the root cause of our distress and the behavior patterns that impede progress. Sustainable growth and a greater sense of well-being are best achieved with an integrative approach to wellness.

.

Is therapy confidential?

In general, the law protects the confidentiality of communications between a client and a therapist. I will not disclose any information about you, or even acknowledge that you are my client, without your prior written permission. However, there are some of exceptions to this rule. The exceptions are:

• Suspected child abuse or dependent adult or elder abuse. The therapist is required by law to report this to the appropriate authorities immediately.
• If a client is threatening serious bodily harm to another person(s). The therapist must notify the police and inform the intended victim.
• If a client intends to harm himself or herself. The therapist will make every effort to enlist their cooperation in insuring their safety. If they do not cooperate, further measures may be taken without their permission in order to ensure their safety.

——————————————————————————————–

As always, if you have any questions or comments, or you would like to schedule an appointment, please feel free to contact me by E-Mail or telephone.

——————————————————————————————–

I’ve heard it said that change occurs when the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear or resistance to change.  Sometimes getting there can be a long wait.  Pain, though, is a fantastic motivator and can inspire us to do things differently.

“Inspirational dissatisfaction” = I am so fed up or tired of _____ (you fill in the blank), that I am going to make a change in me or in my life.  My pain and dissatisfaction inspire me to break the momentum.  For example, cigarettes.  How do people quit smoking?  Once habituated or addicted to nicotine, a process begins wherein a person experiences all the natural consequences of smoking–the coughing, the diminished sense of taste and smell, the cost of the cigarettes, perhaps emphysema or chronic bronchitis. People can go on for years smoking, or doing whatever it is they do–unwilling or “unable” to modify their behavior.

Once the consequences of our behaviors accumulate and compound over time, ambivalence sets in.  Eventually, the “scale” tips, and we begin to weigh out our options.  Pain pushes us.  We test the waters of change.

What in your life is inspirationally dissatisfying?

Sometimes it can be really tough to reach out for the help you need.  You may tell yourself things like, “I should be able to handle things on my own,” or “Be strong, you don’t need anyone’s help”.  For many, taking steps to reach out for help can take monumental effort!  Society promotes a “myth” of self-sufficiency, a belief system that deters people from asking for help when they need it.  Further complicating things is the notion of worthiness.  Some people have a hard time seeking and asking for help because they believe, at some core level, that they don’t deserve it.  With society telling us we don’t need it and our insides telling us we’re not worth it, it’s no wonder people struggle with reaching out.  The truth is that everyone needs someone to share their burdens with–someone who understands–it’s part of being human.

One way of being good to ourselves, is to ask, “what can I do right this moment to take care of myself”?  Sharing the burden of our deepest thoughts, fears, and emotions can provide real relief.  Just as suffering alone in silence tends to make things worse, pain shared is pain lessened.  Everyone has a need to be heard and understood.  What thoughts or beliefs are getting in the way of your asking for and receiving help?

Many people struggle with the idea of seeking counseling or therapy.  “Does it mean something’s wrong with me?”  or “Will I be judged?”  These are real concerns, and what I’ve found is that generally once a person reaches out for help, makes that first appointment, they feel better immediately.  Once they enter into therapy and experience a safe and supportive, non-judgmental therapeutic dialog–they are so glad they came.

So, think about it–what are the things holding you back from asking for help when you need it?  Perhaps you have questions and you’re wondering what therapy is like. Take a look at my Frequently Asked Questions About Therapy page.