This is a great passage from “The Tao of Love” that addresses freedom in relationships:

“It takes a lot of growing to feel good enough about ourselves to allow the other to be as free as we would like to be ourselves.  It takes a great deal of personal strength to give the other the freedom to be whatever that other wants to be without feeling threatened by freedom.  It takes knowing that without freedom for both, neither will survive the relationship.  To give the other the room to grow, to experience things that may not be to our liking and that may even cause the relationship to change, takes a very positive feeling about ourselves.  With this kind of freedom, the love can continue to grow, although it may take a different direction.  Without it, there is no growth at all.

This is the Taoist principle of ‘non-attachment.’  It does not mean indifference to the other but rather holding on to a love very loosely so that the loved one is free to go and free to be.  It means knowing that should the relationship end, we would still be whole.”

Why is it so difficult for people to let go of fear and control?  Perhaps the answer lies in being able to trust.  When we are able to trust we let go of the need to control, and we allow things to happen naturally.  There is less of a need to force things.  Often we get caught up in trying to pressure or manipulate the other to change.  Another way of looking at things is to focus more on what needs to be changed in ourselves–to make changes in our own lives and ways of being.  Changing how we look at ourselves and the world can cause the other person in the relationship to change as well.  We can allow others to be as free as they/we want to be, letting go of the need to control.  We can create the space to allow others to change in their own way and time.

How do we change?  We grow when we practice daily the process of growing.  We grow not because one day we wake up and realize everything we need to know and are, at once at peace with the world and ourselves.  We generally grow in small steps.  Real change is gradual.